are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
