I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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