decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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