When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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