I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
