god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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