I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
