she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
