Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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