Will you blow on my dice?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
