That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
