1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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