It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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