I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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