All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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