your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
