so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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