I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
