my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
