My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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