They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
