Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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