paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
