hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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