I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Holy shit dude........stairs
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
