im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
