He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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