I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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