two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
