I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
someone threw a dead crab at me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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