Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
