Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
