i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
