I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
