I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
