he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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