Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
