I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
