i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
