i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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