Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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