I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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