omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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