hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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