out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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