Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
