Who did Billy Mays play for?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
