Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
