how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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