I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
