Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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