Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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