I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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