I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
