In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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