I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
