i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
