so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
