Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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